omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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