look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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