god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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