You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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