She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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