i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
