Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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