omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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