That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize