It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize