I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize