I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
