so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
