Me too!
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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