the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize