dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
