I wanna passion pit in your ass
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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