the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
