I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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