Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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