Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I cut my penus on the lid.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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