I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
