I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
