Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
