So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
