I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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