i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
