she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Randomize
