John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
