If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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