You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
COCAINE IS GR8
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
