Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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