Swine flu. Run for my life!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
