That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
