you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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