Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
