I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
