Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
