I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
