So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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