she smelled like a LAN party
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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