I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
