U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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