i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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