can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
