Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize