I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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