Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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