I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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