How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Farmville is her only friend.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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