So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
