Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
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