The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
