I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
