I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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