My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
