I'm so fucking centered right now
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
