I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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