Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
