people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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